How to survive and thrive at the school gates

This morning I saw a new reception class lined up outside our local Primary School ; shiny shoes and neat haircuts that reveal the soft white line of a lovely summer holiday. Meanwhile their parents shuffled nervously, little do they know that becoming part of the school gate subculture might be a lot more challenging than Timmy peeing on the carpet during Show and Tell.

I made some brilliant life-long friends at the school gate but part of me is relieved that I know longer have to navigate this very specific eco-system. Motherland perfectly depicts the dynamics between school parents and how they behave towards each other. We have the Competitive Alpha (Amanda), The laid-back Mum (Liz), The frazzled Working Mum (Julia) , The Domestic Goddess (Anne) and The Mum that has it all (Meg). We all know them and often these personas are carried through secondary school (see the Mum with an A Level Results Social Media Montage).

There have been times when being a parent at the school gate has made me feel woefully inadequate. Times when I have forgotten everything, been left out of social occasions and admonished for my son’s behaviour by another parent. On the other hand, I have met some fantastic women who have provided endless galvanising support and we have shared every high and low of raising school children together. As my era of being a school parent comes to an end, I thought I would share my experience in the hope that it provides a little insight into how to survive and maybe even thrive at the school gate.

Dance around the cliques

Cliques are an inevitable part of the school gate sub culture. Obviously women who have things in common will stick together, sometimes to the exclusion of others. Also it’s so much more interesting to have some Mum-mates with different backgrounds and ideas about parenting. I have witnessed mothers close ranks at the school pick up in order to exclude another parent due to marital - none of your business - affairs : All in plain sight of our cherubs (little elephants have big ears).

I have always maintained that it’s best to shimmy around groups of Mum’s and pick and choose your true friends. It can be a bit inconvenient because your child may not always hit it off with their offspring….

Take it to to the Teachers.

The number of parents that get involved with tit for tat that goes on in the classroom is phenomenal. I’ve had friends shouted at by other parents the local playground and was reduced to snotty tears when a mother phoned up and said that my son was the big bully boy at school. The reality is we don’t know what goes on in the classroom and the playground because we are not there. In these instances, I have found it far better to inform the school and let them sort it all out. Let’s face it. kids can all be menaces, even our own.

Be Yourself

I am totally there for imperfect parenting and taking a short cut. A cheeky Macas now and then with Minecraft playing on a loop - fine. In fact I am delighted that the ‘Scummy Mummy’ has superseded the ‘Yummy Mummy’ on social media (perfect cupcakes, immaculate gym wear and children who speak 5 languages). However I spy some some scummy-mummy fakery going on. For example the parent who spends five days on the world book day costume claiming ‘they cobbled it together before school’ or the parent who claims they throw frozen dinners in the oven every night but actually roasts heirloom cauliflowers from their allotment. Keep it real parents, there’s room for everyone at the school gate.

Find the Grannies

At times when I have felt ostracised at the school gate I have sought out the Grannies. These women have seen it all and they take no shit. You will probably send up with some very sage advice that will see you well. In case there aren’t any Grannys then find a Dad. There’s a high chance that they have nothing to do with classroom Whatsapp groups or school gate politics.

Parenting is undoubtedly the hardest thing I have ever done. When parents do it together and bring each other up, the experience is so much better for everyone. So what if Jessica’s a biter or Luke eats glue sticks? None of them or us are perfect and it’s time we stuck together and made the school gate eco-system healthier and happier.

BBC 2 Motherland

18 Spins around the sun - Thoughts on raising our wonderful lad

Next week our son turns 18. This significant milestone comes with a barrage of mixed emotions and plenty of reflection on nearly two decades of parenting. We’re feeling a sense of sadness at the loss of childhood, excitement for the future and breathing a long sigh of relief that the hideousness of adolescence is almost behind us. This landmark has also made us think about what our family dynamic will look like with adult children. What about our relationship? Have we invested enough in each other over 18 years, with the demands of footy, nappies, hiding vapes, changing passwords, maths revision, driving everywhere and looking for shin-pads? Turning 18 is a man-made milestone bought about by western legislation but it has made us pause and ponder.

From the moment our giant baby was born (nearly 10lbs- ouch) it was clear he wanted to eat and move. With these needs met he was very contented and almost completely ambivalent to what was going on around him. When we’d pick him up from nursery he would crawl across anything in his path (including other babies) to reach his destination. Whilst other toddlers were colouring in, our son would be scaling bookshelves and flinging things across the room. He didn’t bother to walk and went straight to running, full throttle. He was completely un-phased when his sibling was born and on discovering that the baby didn’t do anything interesting, he went back to careering around in his typical style. When struggling with crippling post natal depression after my second child, I was terribly worried that my anxiety would have a profound and lasting effect on him. My psychiatrist reassured me that he was absolutely fine as our son ran around the clinic with a box on his head shouting ‘funny man’ at all the other patients.

Adolescence was a completely different ball game. I felt that our sunny little boy had vanished and been replaced by an angry, impenetrable teenager. It was a brutal curve ball that I never expected and I mourned my little boy. The swearing, room trashing and disengagement was brutalising. Emails came hard and fast from the school and I would shrink away at parents evenings as we heard the same old words ‘distracted’ ‘disruptive’ and ‘not meeting potential’. I possibly lost more sleep during this time that during the first few weeks of my sons life and would swap mastitis anytime for a full blown teenage row. My Mum patiently reassured me that this was a phase and he would revert back to his true character which shone through as a little boy. I kept a cute photo close, held my nerve and gradually he came out of the chrysalis.

We are now in ‘the alpaca years’ : easy going temperament with a propensity for anti social behaviour including spitting and carefully curated ‘mop’ (for more context google popular teenage boy haircut). We have lovely, albeit brief conversations. He adored our recently hatched chicks and accuses me of ‘cruelty’ when I put sunglasses on the dog. Our son is absolutely locked in and committed to his A Levels that will hopefully lead to a university placement and a bright and shiny future.

I am not under any illusion that this parenting lark is done and dusted. Our son is still finding his way out of that gnarly teenage chrysalis however he is almost unrecognisable from the ogre on the play station 18 months ago. There’s still plenty of fruity language during Chelsea matches and questionable behaviour in Spoons (spiritual home) but the spark is back and I am pretty sure he’s going to be ok.

A day off from the circus

There are two more full weeks of the school holidays. Part of me will miss the lack of routine, longer days and limited bursts of sunshine. The other part of me will be crawling to the finish line desperate for a quiet house.. I have to say that school holidays are easier when the children are older but you are still running a circus and spinning plates are being dropped in this house.

When the kids are little you are literally holding together a full on Cirque Du Soliel summer camp. Six weeks with teenagers is much less intense but with some hairy moments on the trapeze (note underage festivals). As the kids grow up, parents often take on more work (to pay for all the Vinted purchases) and it is a scramble to fit everything in. Last week I had 24 hours at Thorpe Park and then a 6 hour drive back to a full inbox in Cornwall. Knackered.

To stop myself from falling in a messy heap at the start of September, I have found that scheduling a reset day is very important. This doesn’t have to involve money which has all been spent on school uniform. But there are strict rules that need to be followed.

1. No looking at work or school related emails.

2. Do not go and tidy the kids rooms or do any boring routine chores.

3. Do the school drop off and go back to bed with a cup of tea for as long as possible.

4. Watch TV in the middle of the day. Preferably a very trashy series.

5. Have a bath in the middle of the day.

6. Go for a long slow walk.

7. Do what you want to do rather than what you have to do.

The wellness industry would tell you that you need a sound bath, a cacao ceremony and a silent retreat to reawaken your chakras. I find that saying ‘I am not doing nothing for nobody’ for a day makes me feel a whole lot better and is much more accessible. Schedule yourself a reset day in September and see how you feel.

In the meantime, good luck with the ***t show and the trip to Clarks.

Sophie x

Bedding Set made from Liberty Fabric ‘Annabella’

Big Top Cushion

Photo : Dee Campling

The school holiday fear and going cold turkey on screen time

I have fleeting Enid Blyton daydreams about the school holidays where my children go on wholesome adventures to catch butterflies with picnics consisting of homemade bread, jam and lemonade all wrapped up in a checkered tea-cloth. But then reality kicks in and I actually feel a bit sick. I meet lots of enthusiastic Mums in the playground who relish the school holidays' lack of timetable and ample pj time. I am most definitely not one of these Mums, what is the secret to their sparkiness?

I don't have a strategy other than booking the odd holiday programme. With Mr. P away for most of the hols (inciting giant green envy) I know that I will need a break to get on with Poppy and Honesty stuff. However I have my reservations about plugging the kids into devices as I am not sure the knock on effect is worth it. 

Just talking about screen time opens up a can of worms almost as wriggly as breast feeding or childbirth. I am certainly not going to judge anyone using screens to entertain, educate, or buy themselves some time to go to the loo alone or call the emergency plumber. However we've got rid of the screens for a while and the kids have been much nicer. They seem less reactive and more able to engage. Perhaps because they are not thinking about their next move on Clash of Twats or hilarious emoji to send to their pals? Also their testosterone levels appear to have slumped as they are no longer busy wiping each other out on computer games. They are having to do 'other things' and entertain themselves, even if this involves maiming each other with a tennis racket, surely it's better than watching a bored teen fidget spinning on You Tube?  Maybe this is just my own self fulfilled prophecy but family life certainly seems a lot more harmonious without the plug ins. 

We've been Device Cold Turkey for x 4 weeks and so far so good. Obviously I will probably break after Week 1, when I have to locate a Poppy and Honesty order that has gone awol. However, it has definitely been an eye opener and something you may want to consider for a while to change things up.

May the force, all the wine and deep breathing be with you for the next 6 weeks. If you are a sparky school holiday Mum, can you let me in on the secret, pleaaaaase?

Sophie xxxx

Liberty Print Duvet Cover in Betsy

Ice-cream Parenting- scoops to get you through the summer

During the summer Mr P and I adopt a very popular parenting strategy known as 'Icecream Parenting'. This involves bribery and threats based on icy treats and is typically manipulated very successfully by the little moppets. Last summer they managed to extort at least 1-2 cones a day, increasing to a rather shameful 3 whilst on holiday in Spain (how else do you get them around a Sevillian market?)  July is the official month of the ice-cream and so we thought we'd give you a couple of recipes that are marginally more healthy than the staple Fabs, Magnums and Feasts. They are so easy it's almost an insult to call them recipes, but when the kids are climbing the walls during the school hols (around day 2 for us), these icy treats might just provide 10 mins peace

Strawberries and Cream

As a nod to Wimbledon, this strawberry gelato is so yummy it may even heal Andy's hip. You will need : A fierce blender; a bag of frozen strawberries and 100 mls Double Cream. Shove all the ingredients into your blender and cone up. Top with more cream and strawberries.

Banana Choc Chip

This is a great recipe to use up the over-ripe bananas. Chop them into small chunks and put them in the freezer. You will also need 100mls nut milk and some dark chocolate chips. When you are ready, put all of the ingredients into your blender, blast it until the ice-cream is nice and smooth. Top with a splodge of peanut butter for extra scrumptiousness.

Don't have any cones? These ice creams will be just as delicious sandwiched between two biscuits. They will keep for a couple of days in the freezer before getting too frosty, but best scoffed immediately.

Happy scooping

Sophie xxx

We think this Emma and Georgina Liberty Print is Tutti Fruitti. Get your self some summery pillowcases from Poppy and Honesty here

10 years on... advice I would give my younger Mummy self

Mr. P and I celebrated 10 years of parenthood last weekend. We've been chatting about the ups and downs and having a chuckle about the nutty stuff we did. If I was able to steal MJ Fox's time-machine and go back to 2007, these are some of the things I would tell my rookie parent self...

Choose your girl gang carefully

I felt a huge pressure to socialise my children regularly. If I wasn't attending playgroups. gymbaroo (?) or god awful singing in the library, my kids were definitely going to be sociopaths or psychopaths right? Subsequently I ended up hanging with some quite judgy women and through the fog of tiredness/PND and trying to navigate my way through the early years,  I didn't recognise that this wasn't a supportive or healthy place for me and the sprogs. Thankfully, I had a couple of amazing queens on my side. They always lifted my spirits and didn't give a monkeys if you bribed the kids into the bath with jelly babies. 

Always chose fun

I missed out on seeing the late George Michael sing Wake me Up Before you Go Go because I had to do the night feed. There is so much boring shit that you have to do as a parent. The housework is endless. Given another chance, unless the house was about to be condemned a slum,  I would  ditch the dishes in favour of drinks with the girl gang and give the babe a bottle so that I could shimmy on down to Club Tropicana with George. 

Mummy -  tummy? Whatever.

It is a bloody shock to see your post pregnancy stomach. I can liken it to the dimply party pasty available in our Cornish bakery. Tip to former self- don't look at it. There are so many more important things to do (like have fun) and you are so much more than a wobbly tum. 

Stop analysing the elusive 'bond'

I bought into the idea that I had to feel an automatic, unstoppable, all-consuming connection with my babies as soon as they were born. Subsequently I spent such a long time looking for this and became more and more anxious that it just wasn't there. Given the opportunity, I'd definitely tell my former self to take a step back, be patient and watch the relationship blossom over time.  My big kid was recently very poorly, we spent the whole time together watching telly and having fizzy drinks. There is no doubt in my mind that we go together like a good gin and tonic. 

There is suffering in parenting

An SAS soldier recently told me that sleep deprivation was the WORST part of his interrogation training (am not sure that included water boarding). Being kept awake by a baby for years is torture and so is being told to F*** off by children that have been your life's work. The only book I read as a Mum was Buddhism for Mothers. I'm not buddhist but totally subscribe to the idea that as a parent you have to accept a level of suffering. 

I can think of million more things,  but that will do for now. To all Poppy and Honesty's  pixelated young mummies, you're doing a fabulous job. We are bringing out a new grown up range just for you guys, Why should the moppets have all the good stuff when we do the school run with rice crispies in our hair ?

Big love 

Sophie xxxx

PS. Some great Mummy bloggers to follow. Peter and Jane: hilarious, tells it like it is. The London Mummy: Treats for Mummies and kids.  Mother Pukka- championing flexible working for parents.