How to survive and thrive at the school gates

This morning I saw a new reception class lined up outside our local Primary School ; shiny shoes and neat haircuts that reveal the soft white line of a lovely summer holiday. Meanwhile their parents shuffled nervously, little do they know that becoming part of the school gate subculture might be a lot more challenging than Timmy peeing on the carpet during Show and Tell.

I made some brilliant life-long friends at the school gate but part of me is relieved that I know longer have to navigate this very specific eco-system. Motherland perfectly depicts the dynamics between school parents and how they behave towards each other. We have the Competitive Alpha (Amanda), The laid-back Mum (Liz), The frazzled Working Mum (Julia) , The Domestic Goddess (Anne) and The Mum that has it all (Meg). We all know them and often these personas are carried through secondary school (see the Mum with an A Level Results Social Media Montage).

There have been times when being a parent at the school gate has made me feel woefully inadequate. Times when I have forgotten everything, been left out of social occasions and admonished for my son’s behaviour by another parent. On the other hand, I have met some fantastic women who have provided endless galvanising support and we have shared every high and low of raising school children together. As my era of being a school parent comes to an end, I thought I would share my experience in the hope that it provides a little insight into how to survive and maybe even thrive at the school gate.

Dance around the cliques

Cliques are an inevitable part of the school gate sub culture. Obviously women who have things in common will stick together, sometimes to the exclusion of others. Also it’s so much more interesting to have some Mum-mates with different backgrounds and ideas about parenting. I have witnessed mothers close ranks at the school pick up in order to exclude another parent due to marital - none of your business - affairs : All in plain sight of our cherubs (little elephants have big ears).

I have always maintained that it’s best to shimmy around groups of Mum’s and pick and choose your true friends. It can be a bit inconvenient because your child may not always hit it off with their offspring….

Take it to to the Teachers.

The number of parents that get involved with tit for tat that goes on in the classroom is phenomenal. I’ve had friends shouted at by other parents the local playground and was reduced to snotty tears when a mother phoned up and said that my son was the big bully boy at school. The reality is we don’t know what goes on in the classroom and the playground because we are not there. In these instances, I have found it far better to inform the school and let them sort it all out. Let’s face it. kids can all be menaces, even our own.

Be Yourself

I am totally there for imperfect parenting and taking a short cut. A cheeky Macas now and then with Minecraft playing on a loop - fine. In fact I am delighted that the ‘Scummy Mummy’ has superseded the ‘Yummy Mummy’ on social media (perfect cupcakes, immaculate gym wear and children who speak 5 languages). However I spy some some scummy-mummy fakery going on. For example the parent who spends five days on the world book day costume claiming ‘they cobbled it together before school’ or the parent who claims they throw frozen dinners in the oven every night but actually roasts heirloom cauliflowers from their allotment. Keep it real parents, there’s room for everyone at the school gate.

Find the Grannies

At times when I have felt ostracised at the school gate I have sought out the Grannies. These women have seen it all and they take no shit. You will probably send up with some very sage advice that will see you well. In case there aren’t any Grannys then find a Dad. There’s a high chance that they have nothing to do with classroom Whatsapp groups or school gate politics.

Parenting is undoubtedly the hardest thing I have ever done. When parents do it together and bring each other up, the experience is so much better for everyone. So what if Jessica’s a biter or Luke eats glue sticks? None of them or us are perfect and it’s time we stuck together and made the school gate eco-system healthier and happier.

BBC 2 Motherland